07/10/2008 08:00, Report by Brian McClair
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Choccy's Diary highlights

Every month, Brian 'Choccy' McClair writes a witty insight into life at Carrington for the official magazine, Inside United. Here are some recent extracts from Choccy's Diary...

They call me Bill, that's not my name
We have a new goalkeeping coach who is very energetic, talented and knowledgeable. However, as I found in a meeting with him and another member of the Academy, he is not very good with names. He does get the correct first letter of the name, though. Tony, the assistant Academy manager is Terry, the assistant manager is Mal, the first team coach is Rick, Steve the podiatrist is Stan, Albert the kitman is Alex, Alex the kitman is Alan. I’m now Bill and poor Mark Dempsey, he does not have a name and is now known simply as coach!

Pitch problems
We had our first Academy fixture recently and the groundsmen duly marked the pitch and put out the corner flags. The playing surface looked wonderful. Then they realised that the MUTV gantry was going to be too close to the pitch! They tried to rub out the lines with a giant rubber and draw them in further over! They also moved the advertising boards, meaning the grass was a different colour where they had been! The pitch no longer looked wonderful, but at least they realised that there was a problem. Fortunately for all of them the kids played well and the grass, I’m sure, will soon be the same shade of green…

Who knows all the pies
We have a very good chef at Carrington who loves football. But recently he’s received stick from his colleagues in the kitchen because he didn’t know the difference between shepherds’ pie and cottage pie. I was asked to keep quiet about it, which I did - for a day or two at least. The clue’s in the word ‘shepherd’, by the way.

Expensive game
After trips on United business, staff have to hand into the accounts office evidence of any expenses incurred. A colleague had been to France by

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