As the title of Luke Chadwick's new book attests, the former Manchester United man had to deal with unnecessary and unkind personal abuse during his playing days at Old Trafford.
The 44-year-old spent time with us at his old stomping ground to discuss, in detail, his engaging autobiography, 'Not Just a Pretty Face: Football, Fun and Despair' and recount a time when he was forced into unfairly having to deal with all manner of pressures, while trying to make his mark under Sir Alex Ferguson.
Shy and reserved, even from the very early days as a child, the young Chadwick blossomed into a prodigious young talent on the pitch. Blessed with speed and an eye for goal, his exploits stretched beyond his native Cambridgeshire and attracted the attention of Premier League big guns Arsenal.
Yet, when United also appeared on the horizon, there was only ever going to be one destination for the lively forward, as he embarked on a remarkable journey.
“I am more confident within myself now but, at heart, I was an introvert,”
he told us. “I like to keep away from the public eye, which may seem strange as I wrote a book and am on here talking about it!
”As a child, I was painfully shy. I never wanted to go to nursery and school, or leave my mum, dad and grandparents. What I wanted to do was always feel comfortable and, once I was comfortable in an environment, I was able to express myself.
“I used to be a centre-forward. I was freakishly fast as a child and scored loads of goals. I spent a season at Arsenal, a fantastic football team, but I never really enjoyed going to training, going to London on a Wednesday night and playing on a Sunday. Again, because of my shyness, I always felt uncomfortable. Because I felt so comfortable from the moment I came to United on trial, there was only one team I was going to sign for.
”I was absolutely delighted when they did offer me a schoolboy contract. I was desperate for the club to sign me. It just felt so different at Manchester United to all the other clubs I'd played for as a boy. I felt like I was part of something really special, a culture in an environment that helps everyone and wants the best for everyone.“
Some footballers exude self-confidence and a fully understandable amount of arrogance when discussing their achievements in the game.
Chadwick is from the Gary Neville school though, somebody who plays down his abilities to an almost irritating degree. Making his debut soon after United reached the pinnacle by completing the Treble, he was faced with the Herculean task of somehow breaking into that all-conquering side.
Yet he managed to make 16 Premier League appearances in the following season, helping the team win the Premier League title in 2000/2001 and joining such an elite band of people in the profession.
“It was a pretty good career and a great career elsewhere, after I left United as well,”
he recounted. “I think obviously playing for United is something that I'll never forget. I came to the club when I was 14 years old, signed as a schoolboy, and played in and around the first team for around a season and a half.
”To actually play 39 games for the club is something that no-one can ever take away from me, regardless of whether people thought I was good, bad or a terrible player. To have had an 18-year career doing something I loved is something that I will always be so grateful for and consider myself so lucky to have had that opportunity.
“When I look back now and reflect on the career that I had, it blows my mind that I got the opportunity to play in an arena like this and represented the best football club in the world.”
There is far more to this story, though. Many will remember what Chadwick had to go through as a youngster trying desperately to make his mark at time when footballers were becoming celebrities in their own right.
David Beckham, after all, was one of his competitors for a place on the right flank and the glare suddenly being trained on those turning out in the Premier League reached areas that could never have been imagined when Luke was ripping it up at junior level. Apologies and acknowledgements of wrongdoing have been made in retrospect by those involved in a show called 'They Think It's All Over' so it would not be right to apportion more blame here.
Chadwick has certainly forgiven their bullying and totally unnecessary focus on his physical appearance but his book deals with this in detail, ensuring it is a story that transcends sport and will be of interest to a wider audience.
“I think, when I left school and came up here to start my journey in professional football, I was quite naive,”
he admitted. “In fact, I just thought I was a footballer and now it will always be about football. I found it very surprising, when I did play a few games in the first team, that people spoke about my appearance more than the way I played football. It really shocked me and affected me in a negative way.
”I didn't know how to deal with it. I was still so shy and so introverted that I would never allow myself to open up and talk about how I was feeling inside. When I look back now, it was my greatest mistake really. If I had that emotional intelligence and understanding of how to be vulnerable and spoke about my issues. But, at the same time, I wouldn't change anything because the challenges I went through, the stuff that went on, when I look back at how it supported my growth as a human being.
“It allowed me to understand myself on a deeper level and probably the biggest challenge I had was my self-dialogue. It wasn't the actual issue of the abuse and mockery, it was more I'd give myself such a hard time about it and think there was something wrong with me as I was letting it affect me. Like it had made me a weak human being, keeping all the feelings to myself, to never, ever tell anyone about all that I was going through at that time.
”Although it was really challenging at the time, it really helped me understand myself better. Moving forward into adulthood and as an older man, to have that ability when to recognise when your mental health isn't as it should be and how to express your thoughts, feelings and emotions and to deal with it on a positive level. So it was a really challenging time and I could have dealt with it so much better. But how it went allowed me to develop into the person that I am today.
“I felt completely powerless and defenceless to it,”
he conceded. “Not knowing how to deal with it, I became obsessed with it and the thought that all people wanted to do was talk about the way that I looked, not the way I played football.
”It made me feel so anxious as a young man, living in an apartment with my then-girlfriend, wife now, and not wanting to go out for a period of time. I was obsessed that people would abuse me when, in reality, my mind took over and that probably wouldn't have happened. Because it was something I became so obsessed with, and was so unwilling to internalise and deal with, it affected me in such a way that it really did disrupt my life for a period of time.“
One of the saddest parts of 'Not Just a Pretty Face', in addition to the tale of how Luke felt the need to conjure up an imaginary girlfriend to fit in with his new colleagues at United to the extent that he faked a phone-call breaking up with her when there was nobody on the other end of the line, is definitely where he admits he changed his personality as a coping mechanism to deal with the personal abuse.
Having had the pleasure of spending time with him, as he is sometimes a guest for us on MUTV, our former winger is, as the back of his book claims, ”one of football's nice guys“. There is not an arrogant side to him at all but, if you encountered him around the time the teasing and scrutiny was at its height, this may have been your perception. It is something that must have been hard for Luke to admit.
”When I broke into the team, well in and around the squad, I had some success and got a good contract,“ he said. ”It made me wealthier beyond my wildest dreams, growing up as a child. I developed an ego of feeling that, having that money and being financially well off, made me more important than other people. It changed the way I was and people talking about the way I looked gave me something to fall back on. I don't care what you say.
“A defence mechanism. Understanding that wasn't me and it didn't matter how much I was earning. I was on really good money at the club but, at the same time, was as unhappy as I have ever been in my life. My inability to deal with my feelings and emotions at that time, and that coming together with signing a good contract with the club, at the time, I didn't know how to deal with anything. As a 19 or 20-year-old kid, I was an adult in terms of being over 18 but I had still not learned enough about myself. I knew enough about football but didn't know about any other part of life, just football, football, football.
”A lot of the challenges I did go through allowed me to learn about myself and the journey we're all on, as human beings, is learning about our thoughts, about our feelings and learning to use ourselves to make us as positive as we can possibly be. That is more important than running around a football pitch. It's about having thoughts and feelings and, when it's not like that, understanding why and dealing with that in the most proactive way possible.“
Chadwick would never use the off-field distractions as any excuse as to why he did play more for United. It is clear he enjoyed a good relationship with Sir Alex, who understood when the time was right to move to pastures new.
His permanent move away came with a transfer to West Ham United and he enjoyed a fabulous career, ending with a stint at his local club Cambridge United, which even featured an FA Cup game against the Reds in 2014/15. It afforded him an ovation from the Old Trafford faithful that he sincerely appreciated.
“I don't think it [the abuse] is the reason I didn't have a glittering football career at Manchester United,”
he insisted. “It came the point where I wasn't at the level of my peers. You mentioned the players blocking my path to the first-team - David Beckham and Ryan Giggs, as a winger. I couldn't exactly go and knock on the manager's door and say I should be playing here.
”I knew I wouldn't break through here really and it was time for me to find another direction, another pathway away from the club, but always giving so much gratitude for it giving me the upbringing it gave me here.“
As with so many of our Academy alumni, there is so much to admire about what Chadwick achieved in the game and the mark he left at all of his clubs. The full tale is told in an extremely engaging way in his book and you cannot help but appreciate his resilience and character.
A Premier League title winner with United, he must realise the respect he is held in at Old Trafford and beyond.
'Not Just a Pretty Face - Football, Fun and Despair' by Luke Chadwick is available to buy now.